I've been wanting to write this down for years.
Now that I've a space to write, I don't know how to start.
Without a heavy heart.
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Do you like mooncakes?
I do, very much.
Not the traditional ones though.
A tad too heaty for me.
For the past 10 years at least, I buy those from East Ocean Teochew Restaurant.
This year, they expanded to more sale outlets.
Apart from the usual Taka Fair, Bugis Junction, CCK Lot One, East Ocean mooncakes are also available at NEX and Compass Point! =D
This year, they expanded to more sale outlets.
Apart from the usual Taka Fair, Bugis Junction, CCK Lot One, East Ocean mooncakes are also available at NEX and Compass Point! =D
Mini snowskin mooncakes!
They used to do it with lotus paste and almond flakes in it.
The crunchy almond flakes are so nice!
But now they only have it with Custard, Lotus Paste and Green Tea.
If you buy the big ones, they come with yolks.
That I can do without.
For the first time this year, I tried Goodwood Park snowskin durian mooncakes.
And wow, they were really yummy!
I wish I bought more!
For the first time this year, I tried Goodwood Park snowskin durian mooncakes.
And wow, they were really yummy!
I wish I bought more!
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Tried starting off with a distraction, but my mind is still a blank.
It was another day of me bringing Grandma to SGH for her bi-weekly medical checkup.
Hospital waits were always long and dreadful.
In a clinical environment surrounded by tens and tens of ill people.
Not exactly inspiring.
But in the 2-3 hour wait, I had to stay upbeat and chit-chat with Grandma to keep her spirits up.
In a clinical environment surrounded by tens and tens of ill people.
Not exactly inspiring.
But in the 2-3 hour wait, I had to stay upbeat and chit-chat with Grandma to keep her spirits up.
“你整天要飛來飛去，婆婆老了，
我懂你孝順。你忙，你就不用來看婆婆了”
“不會啦，婆婆！我下班后，閑得很！”
Truth is, I was always dog dead tired, travelling from Woodlands to Lower Delta, many a times still in a jet-lagged and muscle-aching condition.
Woodlands (my in-laws home) was far from everywhere, except Johor.
I really think so.
I really think so.
Even if I took a cab, I needed 45 minutes to reach.
There were days I wish I didn't have to go.
But I was the only working adult in the extended family who had off days on weekdays.
The doctor always schedule Grandma's appointments on weekdays.
Given the horrendous queue on weekdays, I dared not imagine having to go SGH on a weekend.
Hearing Grandma saying those words above pained me a lot.
It was like her telling me that she was prepared to be neglected and not see the doctor anymore.
And just wait for the inevitable.
“等一下，你跟醫生說我的肚子很痛。”
Grandma had cervical cancer.
She didn't wanted to do any operation.
As days went by, she complained of the increasing pains in her body.
In Westeren medicine, the doctor can only prescribed painkillers.
Everytime, I would try to comfort and console her that it will get better or lame stuff like telling her not to think about the pain and focus on something else.
Everytime, I would try to comfort and console her that it will get better or lame stuff like telling her not to think about the pain and focus on something else.
Cancer medication was very costly.
Thank goodness I could pay for it via my Medisave.
There comes a time whereby I just ran out of words to say.
Because the pain in her was slowly devouring a lot of her.
I didn't know if lying was the best way to comfort her.
There comes a time whereby I just ran out of words to say.
Because the pain in her was slowly devouring a lot of her.
I didn't know if lying was the best way to comfort her.
“我不知道能不能夠看到你結婚。”
“婆婆，我下個月就結婚了！你一定會看到我嫁人！說不定，你還會看到我生孩子！
我買新衣服給你那天穿。你一定要來看我結婚！”
Grandma was teary-eyed the whole 2 days during my wedding celebrations.
I took lots of photos with her.
Whenever I visited Grandma, I always ask her,
“婆婆，你好嗎？”
Of course, I already knew the answer.
I would act hyper, make a clown out of myself and crack silly jokes to cheer Grandma up.
She used to sit in her favourite chair in the living room and watch TV.
She could still go to the market in her wheelchair and chit-chat with her kakis.
Then one day, she could only lie down on her bed and watch the world go by.
It never fail to be a challenge to get Grandma on and off the taxis for her medical appointments.
The maid was definitely more expert than me.
Taxi uncles we met were so helpful and patient.
Thank you to you all!
“婆婆, 你要不要歸依？每個人心裏都應該有個歸屬，日後你才知道要往哪裏去。你既然曾供奉觀音菩薩十多年，不如就歸依佛門，和我歸依一樣的師父，好嗎？”
“哈哈哈！你幾時變得那麽迷信啊？”
It was a hilarious moment when Grandma started crackling in the taxi enroute to hospital.
I was like, "Since when it's 'official-ing' your religious direction a supersition??"
"Grandma, you're the one who have been sewing the robes for Guan Yin all those years!"
Haha! #defensive
Grandma's condition was deteriorating rapidly.
I knew the day was near.
Grandma has never mentioned what type of funeral she wanted.
Maybe like most elder Chinese, they don't like to talk about death.
Or maybe, they didn't know there's a difference.
Eventually, she did took refuge.
That was a huge relief to me.
I taught her how to chant Amituofo.
I told her to direct her thoughts to be reborn in the Pureland.<
That was the only thing I could talk to her during her last days.
I mean, what else matters then?
Money, career, marriage, family, travel, aspirations?
The things we talk about when we meet our girlfriends?
Or continue giving her false hope that she will recover miraclously?
I was like, "Since when it's 'official-ing' your religious direction a supersition??"
"Grandma, you're the one who have been sewing the robes for Guan Yin all those years!"
Haha! #defensive
Grandma's condition was deteriorating rapidly.
I knew the day was near.
Grandma has never mentioned what type of funeral she wanted.
Maybe like most elder Chinese, they don't like to talk about death.
Or maybe, they didn't know there's a difference.
Eventually, she did took refuge.
That was a huge relief to me.
I taught her how to chant Amituofo.
I told her to direct her thoughts to be reborn in the Pureland.<
That was the only thing I could talk to her during her last days.
I mean, what else matters then?
Money, career, marriage, family, travel, aspirations?
The things we talk about when we meet our girlfriends?
Or continue giving her false hope that she will recover miraclously?
“師父，可否請您幫我算我的婆婆還有多少時間？請您告訴我， 好讓我能安排在新加坡!”
I hated flying.
I had no freedom of time to speak of.
Master Dai Hu wasn't willing to do the prediction for me.
It was one of the taboos for a geomancer.
I persisted.
I couldn't imagine being in some far-flung land and unable to fly back to Singapore, simply there is NO flight back on that day or NO seat available.
“不過八月十五。”
Never done it in my 6 years of flying, but I was all prepared to get an MC, by hook or by crook.
If my roster takes me away nearing that period.
During Grandma's hospital stay, I spent 3-4 hours there till midnight.
Talking to her.
Watching her fall in and out of sleep.
Accompanying her to chant silently.
And just being there.
Seeing death creeping onto her face ever so slowly and taking all of the life left in her was very heartbreaking.
She was discharged after a week.
Then one week later, she was admitted again.
By me again, after her medical appointment.
It was the fourteenth day of the eighth month, in the Lunar Calendar.
I was deliberating whether to return home to sleep.
I was totally washed out over the last few weeks.
Doc said her condition was stable after blood transfusion.
Colour was evident in Grandma's face.
In fact, she was looking even better than the past few months.
She told me to go home and rest.
I hesitated, remembering Master Dai Hu's prediction.
Grandma insisted.
I thought, for a flicking second, maybe she would pull through this again.
Everything was looking good.
Maybe my prayers were heard.
Maybe Master Dai Hu would be wrong this time.
And I went home around 130am.
On the fifteenth day of the eighth month, in the Lunar Calendar.
“You quick come! Quick come! Ah Ma calling for you! She want see you!”
I hated flying.
I had no freedom of time to speak of.
Master Dai Hu wasn't willing to do the prediction for me.
It was one of the taboos for a geomancer.
I persisted.
I couldn't imagine being in some far-flung land and unable to fly back to Singapore, simply there is NO flight back on that day or NO seat available.
“不過八月十五。”
Never done it in my 6 years of flying, but I was all prepared to get an MC, by hook or by crook.
If my roster takes me away nearing that period.
“Miss
Lee, your grandmother has to be warded. She has a drastic drop in her
blood count. We need to do a blood transfusion for her.”
That was the first time I admitted Grandma into the hospital, after her medical appointment.
I was 27.
I tried calling my mum to ask her if I could proceed.
Mum couldn't be reached.
It was unnerving at that moment to make the decision on the spot.
I wished I didn't have to handle such big decisions at that time.
I was supposed to be an adult, but I felt like a kid who wasn't ready to handle these kind of responsibilities.
Talking to her.
Watching her fall in and out of sleep.
Accompanying her to chant silently.
And just being there.
Seeing death creeping onto her face ever so slowly and taking all of the life left in her was very heartbreaking.
She was discharged after a week.
Then one week later, she was admitted again.
By me again, after her medical appointment.
It was the fourteenth day of the eighth month, in the Lunar Calendar.
I was deliberating whether to return home to sleep.
I was totally washed out over the last few weeks.
Doc said her condition was stable after blood transfusion.
Colour was evident in Grandma's face.
In fact, she was looking even better than the past few months.
She told me to go home and rest.
I hesitated, remembering Master Dai Hu's prediction.
Grandma insisted.
I thought, for a flicking second, maybe she would pull through this again.
Everything was looking good.
Maybe my prayers were heard.
Maybe Master Dai Hu would be wrong this time.
And I went home around 130am.
On the fifteenth day of the eighth month, in the Lunar Calendar.
“You quick come! Quick come! Ah Ma calling for you! She want see you!”
It was 1020am.
The maid called me in a fluster.
I asked about Grandma's conditon.
But we couldn't understand each other very well.
I thought it was just Grandma waking up and wondering where I was.
I couldn't get a cab.
I reached SGH at 130pm.
My relatives were already there.
Crying.
I didn't make it.
I didn't make it.
I didn't make it.
Grandma passed away.
On the fifteenth day of the eighth month, in the Lunar Calendar.
Why the hell did I go home?
Why was I such a smart alec to think I know better?
Why on earth did I ask and not believe Master Dai Hu?
Where was I when Grandma was calling for me?
Oh damn it, damn it, why do I even need to sleep?
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I wish I was there to hold Grandma's hands, as she took her last breath.
I wish she didn't have to die, waiting for me to come & wanting to see me.
I wish she didn't die with only a maid by her side, because everyone thought she would pull through.
I wish I told my family earlier about Master Dai Hu's prediction.
I wish I wasn't so rash and emotional then.
I wish I didn't throw a tantrum at my family during Grandma's funeral.
My goodness, what was I even thinking?
And I will never have a chance to redo everything all over again.
I never forgive myself.
I don't want to forgive myself.
I fear I will have the same regret when the same thing happens to my other loved ones, if I forgive myself.
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對唔住，婆婆。
係我唔乖，係我不孝。
我會改。 我會更懂事。
對唔住，婆婆。
My relatives were already there.
Crying.
I didn't make it.
I didn't make it.
I didn't make it.
Grandma passed away.
On the fifteenth day of the eighth month, in the Lunar Calendar.
Why the hell did I go home?
Why was I such a smart alec to think I know better?
Why on earth did I ask and not believe Master Dai Hu?
Where was I when Grandma was calling for me?
Oh damn it, damn it, why do I even need to sleep?
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I wish I was there to hold Grandma's hands, as she took her last breath.
I wish she didn't have to die, waiting for me to come & wanting to see me.
I wish she didn't die with only a maid by her side, because everyone thought she would pull through.
I wish I told my family earlier about Master Dai Hu's prediction.
I wish I wasn't so rash and emotional then.
I wish I didn't throw a tantrum at my family during Grandma's funeral.
My goodness, what was I even thinking?
And I will never have a chance to redo everything all over again.
I never forgive myself.
I don't want to forgive myself.
I fear I will have the same regret when the same thing happens to my other loved ones, if I forgive myself.
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婆婆，你還好嗎？
我沒有飛來飛去了。
我現在做自己很喜歡的生意，設網店賣女生的包包，也有自己品牌的包包和鞋子。
我的店名是“添芬藍”。
添購的添，芬芳的芬，藍空的藍。
你覺得好聽嗎？是師父取的。
他說這名字會大大幫助我打響名聲。
真的有哦！添芬藍有上新明日報和時尚雜誌耶！
快三年了，一切都很穩定。
有很多女生說她們很喜歡添芬藍的商品。
有時，我做到很辛苦但讀了她們的電郵就會很開心！今年， 在你的忌日前，我已念了地藏經回向給你﹑公公和祖先。
我還會念多兩遍，功德都回向給你們。
我也抄了兩本真佛經，並折 了蓮花焚化給你們。
你們不要忘記念佛哦！
不要一直眷念我們哦！
對唔住，婆婆。
係我唔乖，係我不孝。
我會改。 我會更懂事。
對唔住，婆婆。
Metta,
欣雨 Xinyu
This post is written over a span of 5 days, from 11-16 Sept.
But I backdate it to be published on 12 Sept, 10:45am.
八月十五，1045am.
The time Grandma left.
