hen I was in NUS, we had to do cross-faculty modules. I chose Confuician Studies in Arts Faculty, if I remember the subject name correctly. It was taught in English, much to my disappointment (and horror). How on earth can we grasp the essence, when it was originally in Chinese?The textbook I had was titled Analects of Confucious, 論語. A Penguin English paperback, I think.
Once, we were given a writing assignment, where we were to pick one topic out of a few given. All the topics were based on the Analects. I chose the famous: 人之初，性本善或惡？ Well, of course, the title was in English. But I cannot recall (refuse to recall such noble quotes in English) how it should be like in English. I am a lousy essay writer, when it comes to such logical deductions and literative skill. This topic was the only one I felt I could handle. Others were, erm, too profound.
I find it profound because I have missed so many of the tutorials, due to part-time work & CCAs. If time can be rewind, I would not take up so many CCAs and part-time work. Till now, I still wish I devoted more time to my studies. CCAs were fun but not being able to score as well as I could is still a regret that I have.
I wrote that 人之初，性本惡, as what Mencius, 孟子, said. There were literary debates that human nature is good with examples like if you see a baby sitting on a fence, and about to fall off, it would be an instinct to charge forward and save the baby. But what if this baby is not a stranger, but a child of your enemy, your step-sister (and you detest your step mum who ill-treat you) or the fruit of the love between your husband and his mistress etc?
Will the good side truimph over the bad side? Even if it did, will there be no negative feelings in the aftermath? The human mind is very complex, with many active and latent layers of feelings & experiences. Most of the time, we think we know who we are and what we want to do. But at times, when something happens, the emotions that are dormant all along suddenly rise to be the persona that we never expect ourselves to be.
I cannot recall what I wrote in my essay. But it was along the line of the example I shared above. I got a C+. There was this big wording scribbled at the end of my essay: LATE. Ahem, I was late in submitting my essay. =(
After so many years, I still find this topic intriguing, be it from the Confucian, Mencius' or Buddhist point of view. Even though I believed in what I wrote, I felt there was a missing link to all this explanation of why a good person can have elements of 'bad-ness' in him, and vice versa. I did not know how to express it in words.
人之初，性本善?
人之初，性本惡?
It was not until I read the Dharma discourse by this great Buddhist practitioner, then I really got the answer to my hidden question all these years. He said,
“人之初，性混屯
(I hope I got the Chinese phrase correct.)
Eureka! It is the perfect answer and pieces all the seemingly conflicting facts together effortlessly! If only I thought of that! See! I told you I am bad at writing such essays!
Metta,
欣雨 Xinyu
